Feeling Horny? Don't Call Me.

The horn on my car has been broken for a good few years now. In fact, it's been broken so long, my old friend Alex said he would fix it for me. That was in 2009.

Nowadays, I've pretty much gotten used to not having a horn to honk in the crazy traffic of Charleston. Oh, you say you're from Atlanta or D.C., and Charleston doesn't have traffic? Well, try combining a city that is quickly outgrowing its britches (read: infrastructure) with hapless, southern drivers and there you have it.

Fortunately for myself, I've drummed up a few tactics that I've started using on the road in lieu of a horn. They aren't nearly as satisfying, mostly because, well, other people in their cars might not see or hear me. But these methods do take the edge off in a moment of desperation.

1. Name calling. Not just the old stand-bys like "jerk" or even "asshole." I've gotten pretty creative with them and the graver the offense, the more elaborate the name calling turns out to be. For example, if you flat-out cut me off in heavy traffic, I might shriek that you're a feather-plucking piece of pyrotechnic poop.

2. Fist waving. A new version of the middle finger. This is sometimes delightful when I KNOW the person can see me. I'll ball up my angry fist and wave it in the rear view mirror, hoping the person directly behind me can see it.

3. Crazy faces and/or mouthing words. I've done everything from sticking out my tongue, to crossing my eyes, to mouthing the words "Turn your f&*king lights on!"

4. Shouting out my open window. This is by far my favorite but it's only used in extreme cases and during sunny days. I have been known to roll the window down in traffic and yell things like "GOOD ONE, DOUCHE-CANOE!" to the offending party. (I usually don't go for the creative names in these cases; I'm so angry at that point I can barely think. The cruder, the better. )


So while I might not get another horn during the life of my Saturn, I've definitely gotten proactive about releasing my anger during my commutes. I find that my anger is instantly relieved after saying something as silly as "lily-livered lizard licker," so as far as I'm concerned, it's a just a bonus to think beyond the horn.